Poo-Pea

Here's the thing. I have this affinity for poop stories. I'm not crazy about poop itself for the same reasons most people don't like it (smell being the chief reason). But, I love a good poop story. Further, I love to tell a good poop story. Dog poop, people poop, bird poop ... I don't discriminate. My immediate family can vouch for this obsession. My brother-in-law will often bait me into getting on the topic because he knows I just can't stop myself.

So, I have a new story to share from today.

You can set a watch by my poop schedule. As far as regularity goes my pooper is the Big Ben of poopers. Predictably, I had to go to the restroom at 9 o' clock A.M. on the butt-on.

There was nothing extraordinary about the poop experience itself. Everything went as planned.

I stood over the stool as I flushed to ensure there were no stragglers. But, in fact there was a straggler. It was a perfectly shapen, toilet-washed pea floating in the bowl. It was so clean, shiney and looked good enough to eat. I marveled at its pristine condition, but knew I had to let it go. So, I pushed the lever and bowed my head in respect. The pea exhibited the kind of resiliency that allowed it to navigate my bowels without compromising its perfect shape and color by refusing to go down the chute. It just kept floating back to the top. I flushed and flushed until I started to feel guilty about forcing the issue. This pea clearly deserved to be immortalized in the Guiness Book of World Records – or something. This pea was a fighter. "Should I keep it?", I thought.

No, I couldn't possibly keep it. I wanted to remember the pea as I last saw it with its shiny green finish and perfect shape. I didn't want it to be remembered as a shriveled and brown chunk pinned up on a bulletin board somewhere.

Now that I had decided to let it go there was the matter of actually getting it to go down. So, I called on the problem-solving portion of my brain (small as it is) and decided that with a single square of toilet paper layed over the pea it might be just enough to send it on its way. Sure enough, the toilet paper wrapped itself around the pea and dragged it to its after-after life.

So, when you're sitting with friends sharing poo stories, please remember the "Poo-pea" and keep its memory alive.